Can we get real about pregnancy for a moment? You know those women who feel beautiful and sexy and glow throughout their pregnancies? The ones who look completely normal from behind and then turn to reveal the sweetest little compact bump? Don’t even get me started on the women who maintain abs throughout pregnancy, I mean I am not even sure I have ever had abs? Well I applaud those magical unicorn beings. Who are you and how do I harniss your powers!? Now don’t get me wrong, I glow too, I glow verious shades of pink and red because I am constantly hot and bothered. I wouldn’t say it was a delicate flower, mother of the earth kinda glow but it’s definitely a glow, or sweat, but whatever works right? I also have magical powers! One night I went to bed with an oval shaped face and the next morning I woke with a round one. That's magical right? Or fluid? Again, not sure...
Jokes aside, I really struggled writing this post because I feel like it can be frowned upon for women to say out loud “I don’t enjoy being pregnant”. After all, there are so many women who struggle with infertility out there, some of closest confidants included. I am absolutely sensitive to their journey and I so wish I could help in some way (please talk to me about EO) but their story doesn't define my own.
So, for the record, I don’t enjoy pregnancy! Now hear me out, at this point I feel like I need to slide a big fat disclaimer in. I feel absolutely blessed to have carried and birthed two (almost three!) beautiful and healthy children and that pregnancy has come both easily and effortlessly for us. Our family is our world and I know that at the other end of pregnancy is the most precious gift. I am simply saying that I don’t enjoy the journey there.
I feel that there is an expectation from society that women must enjoy pregnancy. It's like when someone asks how you are and we unconsciously say 'I'm good, how are you' even when maybe were not, because who really wants to hear you whinge? I flick through social media and see tiny models with tiny bumps and 2 week post partum photos of women who have regained their abs! It sets an unrealistic expectation for us mere mortals and then we feel like less of a woman for struggling through and that really shouldn't be the way. So in an attempt to tell the 'other' less glamorous side of pregnancy, here is my story.
You see from about week 8 of all three pregnancies, severe pelvic girdle and lower back pain set in and I become mostly immobile for the remaining 7 or so months. For someone who enjoys exercising regularly and maintaining a casual level of fitness (and has to for weight maintenance!), the lack of movement can be torturous, as can the weight gain. A friend innocently asked recently if the weight was the result of simply overeating. Sadly no, I just need to pee on the stick and the scales begin to climb although I am sure the bacon and egg cravings don't help. I couldn’t wear my rings from about 5 months and my feet really only fit comfortably in my haviana thongs and even those leave indents. Don’t get me started on my ankles, they are permanently rounded in places where they should be concave, I believe they are called cankles.
At the end of the day, it isn’t those cosmetic problems that upset me the most, it is the feeling that I am more disconnected to my family than ever before. As I type this blog, Jesse (Hubby), Evie (3.5yrs) and Leo (2yrs) are at the playground. That is something they do most days, something I would have done with them if walking more than 50mts was comfortable. Usually I use that time to rest or have a bath which has admittedly done wonders for my pain during this pregnancy. When they get home Jesse will bath them because getting onto my hands and knees should be avoided wherever possible. Then he will read them stories in their special chair before bed because they can no longer sit or fit on my lap. I will check on my babies before I go to bed tonight but it will be Jess who comes in to turn them the right way and tuck them in. He has been and always is an amazing support, I really am lucky to have him. I feel obsolete! I cook for them and cuddle them and that is the extent of my mothering abilities at the moment. It's an awful feeling as a mother to no longer be necessary.
I miss the fun, I miss playing with my babies, I miss getting on the floor with them and chasing them around the farmers markets. It makes me feel sad that they have stopped asking me to get on the trampoline with them because they know that Mummy will always say no or that they just know that Mummy isn't going to the park with them. Yes, this is just a season and yes, they know they are so loved but it doesn’t mean I have to enjoy feeling this way. Soon 4 will become 5 and our family will be complete, therefore I am taking this opportunity to reflect on my journey and feel comfortable with the fact that it is ok to feel this way.
So if you are reading this and have been quietly or not so quietly suffering through pregnancy, know that you are not alone. This puffy mumma is right there with you! The end is so near for me now and I am so excited to meet this little babe! Will it be a boy or a girl? Bring on January!